I'll take the shot for you
by Vakaria
Summary: How Phil Coulson lost his faith in love and how it turned out well in the end anyways. Honestly, I'm shit at summaries. Contains infidelity (not between Phil and Clint) and (emotionally) abusive relationship


This is my first try at writing this pairing so I hope I've done it justice...

Title is taken from the song "Shot" by The Rasmus, cause I really think it fits the two...

* * *

When Phil is eight, he watches his parents and decides that someday he wants what they have. That he wants someone to look at him like his dad does at his mom.

When Phil is seventeen, Jessica leaves him for a guy who isn't as „boring" as he is. It hurts, but he tells himself, that there is someone out there who will love him just like he is, and won't even think he's boring.

When Phil is twenty-one, he asks his neighbor out, cause he had a crush on him for about two years. Richard straight-out laughs at him. Asks if he is serious. Phil could write it off as a joke, but he's to proud for that. So he straightens his shoulders and confirms, that yes, he is serious. Richard looks at him with pity. Tells him, that he isn't into guys and even if he was, why should he want Phil. Sure, he is „a nice guy and stuff, but not really interesting and you don't even have the looks, no offense, sorry buddy".  
Three weeks later Phil enlists with the army like his dad always wanted him to. There's nothing holding him here. Not anymore.

When Phil is twenty-seven he has to admit to himself, that being an agent for a secret government agency doesn't exactly lead to a social life, not to speak of a love life. His fellow agents are mostly looking for nothing more that casual post-mission hookups.  
He's had a fling with a guy named Oliver from R&D, but when he mentioned being exclusive he just got a pat on the shoulder and a „You're not that good of a lay, sorry Coulson." They stop sleeping with each other after that and Phil knows it's his fault. He always gets attached to fast.  
He tells himself, that he most likely won't find here what he's looking for, but that his perfect someone is out there and it will be worth the wait, even if it's gonna be a while.

When Phil is thirty-two he is giving away his younger sister at her wedding. His mother is crying because her daughter looks so beautiful in her white dress. When she walks down the aisle her husband to be looks at her like she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Like he can't believe his luck. Phil recognizes it. It's the exact look he saw on his father's face whenever he looked at his mother.

The wedding is where he meets Celia. She's a former colleague of his now brother-in-law. They talk for a bit and before she leaves she asks for his number.

They go on a few dates. He finds out, that she likes white clothes – designer only of course - , seems to have a thing for him in a suit, blonde isn't her natural hair color and most important, that she hates it if someone disagrees with her.  
The Hulk has nothing against Celia when she gets angry.

It's good to have someone. To know you're not alone out there. That there is someone who would care if he would get shot by one of the Hydra agents while SHIELD wipes out some of their bases. He doesn't like how she shoves him around when she has a bad day or the bruises or sometimes bloody scratches her perfectly manicured nails leave on his back, his arms, his chest - basically everywhere where his skin is normally covered by clothes – these nights. But it's a small price to pay for not being alone.

She always tells him how lucky he is to have her. And he agrees. Not only because he doesn't want to anger her. But because she's right. She's intelligent, strong and beautiful and still she chose him. He is lucky.

Even if he knows that he starts working longer and longer to avoid going to Celia's apartment in the evening. That's when he can't deny any longer that something is wrong. A relationship shouldn't be this way. Love shouldn't either.

He asks Maria what he should do. When she tries to put a hand on his shoulder he flinches. When she sees his newest set of bruises and scratches the only reason she doesn't go and hunts Celia down is because Phil handcuffs her to the table.

They talk for hours and he decides to end it. This isn't right. This isn't what he wants. Maria is waiting on the street – she had to promise she would keep calm, she's just reinforcement, just in case - when he goes up to the fifth floor, to tell Celia it's over. He expects her to be furious, or at least a bit angry when he says he can't to that anymore, but she just smirks and sends him off, telling him „Whatever, I'll find someone better soon – shouldn't be too hard anyways".

Phil doesn't say a word on the way back to base. When he's staring at the ceiling that night he comes to the conclusion, that seeking for love simply isn't worth it.

When Phil is thirty-five he recruits a mercenary who goes by the name of Hawkeye into SHIELD. He has to shoot him in the thigh to make him sit still long enough to make his offer. A monthly paycheck. Quarters. Safety. Barton agrees after not even a minute.

Phil doesn't like him. He's just another guy with good aim. That he uses unconventional weapons is probably just another sign of his arrogance, like his codename. Hawkeye. He tells Nick all of that and silently curses his friend for assigning him as Barton's handler anyways.

When he calls Barton into his office later that day, he tells him to be ready at 5:00. He expects him to flee his office. After all, he's built up quite a reputation in the last few years. Agent Phil Coulson who killed 14 men with just a paperclip. The story is greatly exaggerated.

There were only eight men and he had 3 paperclips.

When he looks up from his paperwork again, Barton is still sitting in the chair, arms crossed and grinning. „Tell me Coulson, are you really a robot?"

„It's Agent Coulson or Sir for you, Barton. And if you aren't gone from my office in one minute, I'll revoke your range access."

„Oh, come on, Coulson. I know you like me." Then Barton gives him his most winning smile. Phil doesn't smile back. Obviously Barton relies on his looks – even if Phil hates to admit it, the sniper is attractive – to get whatever he wants.

Phil revokes his range access. Barton looks like he wants to say something, but leaves eventually.

The mission the next day seems easy. Barton is supposed to be the back-up in case anything goes wrong. When Phil tells him his position, he looks around, then points to a building further away and tells him it would be better to perch there.

Phil would snort if that didn't interfere with his stoic „Agent Coulson" image. Nobody could make this shot, not even someone who calls himself Hawkeye. He tells the other man as much.

But Barton insists. So Phil lets him go up there and sends someone else to the original position. They won't need the backup most likely anyway and if something happens, Barton will see he was wrong, Phil can write some negative remarks in his report and someone else can take the shot.

Everything seems to go according to the plan. They send their undercover agent in there and they negotiate the price for the piece of information. Suddenly six men with weapons and in Hydra uniforms enter the warehouse.

The op is blown. They could retreat, but Phil was never one to leave his people behind. „Agent Jenkins, can you take them out?"

He can hear the sniper curse, before answering. „Sorry Sir. I just can't get a clear shot. Like they know my position."

Phil tells Jenkins to get out of here and thinks of backup plans B, C and D and how to modify them to get Agent Morrison out of the warehouse, when Barton says over the comms.  
„I can do it, Coulson. Just say the word."

He hesitates for a moment before answering „Take the shot, Barton." because even if he hates it, it's his only option.

Ten seconds later the six men are lying dead on the ground, each one with an arrow in their eyes. But before Phil can think about that, the door bursts open and more Hydra goons swarm in. In the few seconds he has, he tells his men to retreat. If he can't make it out in time, he at least wants to die knowing the others got out alive.

While he's calculating how many of them he can take out before they incapacitate him three of them fall down with arrows in their throats. Phil gets another 4 with his gun and the remaining ones retreat down the corridor.

Then he hears Barton's voice over the comms. „Coulson, get out through the window, I'm covering you, but do it fast!"

Phil asks himself why Barton came back for him while he climbs out of the window and down the fire escape, when he hears gunshots from above. He's nearly around the next corner, when a bullet hits his shoulder and he curses while running. He'll have to stop and at least stop the bleeding, but for now he has to get as far away as possible.

He rounds another corner and ducks in an alley when he hears heavy footsteps. Phil waits in the shadows, holding his breath. A troop of Hydra soldiers march past the alley and he counts to fifty when someone silently lets himself down from the roof and lands right beside him. He nearly shoots the other man before he recognizes him as Barton.

„What are you still doing here, Barton? I ordered you to get out."

Barton raises an eyebrow. „Are you really angry cause I got your ass out there alive? Cause you know, I didn't expect flowers and a card, but a thanks would be nice."

Then he notices something is off with Phil's shoulder.

„Shit, are you hit, Coulson? Let me look at it." His tone suggests Phil doesn't really have a choice in that matter. Barton takes a look at the wound and hisses. „Fuck, you're loosing blood to fast. It's 3 blocks to the next safe house. Think you can manage that?"

„Have to. We should move, I think they are far away enough."

The rest of the mission passes in a blur. They make it past the Hydra troops even if Phil passes out about halfway to the safe house. When he wakes up in medical they tell him Barton carried him the last part of the way even if he had 3 cracked ribs.

When they finally let him out of medical he returns to his office and starts to write his report. He has to seriously reevaluate his opinion on Barton. He may be cocky and smart-mouthed, but he's a brilliant sniper. And he risked his own life to save Phil's even if he was ordered to get out. Even if they barely knew each other and started off on the wrong foot. After he finished he asks Clint into his office again for debriefing. This time the archer looks less relaxed than the first time.

Phil's face is completely blank when he says „Agent Barton, you disobeyed a direct order during the mission."

Barton crosses his arms. „Yeah, I did. And I saved your ass. Whatcha gonna do about it? Sent me back to the gutter where you found me?" His tone is joking, but Phil could swear he can see resignation in his eyes.

„You risked your own life to get me out of there. Why did you do it?"

Barton raises an eyebrow. „Well, you did exactly the same. What kind of man would I be if I wasn't willing to do the same?"

Phil doesn't know what to answer so he just says „That would be it, Agent Barton. I believe the rest of the debriefings has already been covered by Agent Sitwell. I expect your report on my desk, tomorrow at 9:00."

Barton looks surprised, but nods and turns to leave. When he's nearly arrived at the door, he looks back and grins. „You have to admit, I am the best marksman in the world." before he finally leaves Phil alone.

When he's gone Phil takes Barton's file and reads it. This time not just the most important parts, but everything.

Later he'd say, that was the moment when he started falling in love with the archer, after seeing what life threw at him and he still kept going.

When Phil is thirty-eight, Budapest happens.

It's supposed to be a simple mission. Not easy, but simple. Locate the infamous Black Widow and terminate the threat.

Everything goes according to the plan. Later Phil thinks he should have known. It went to well not to be suspicious.

„Hawkeye, do you have visual on the target?"

Barton takes a moment to answer and when he does, it isn't what Phil wants to hear.

„I have the shot, but..."

„There is no but, Hawkeye. Take the shot."

„Listen, Coulson. Something isn't right here. She walked right into my scope. She even looked directly at me. She wants to die."

Coulson sighs. „What's the problem? She is dangerous and a threat. Take the shot."

„I'm sorry."

With that, Barton's voice disappears. His tracker shows him still on the rooftop but when Phil arrives at his position 3 minutes later, it's laying there, right next to his com link.

The widow has disappeared again. It doesn't take a genius to figure out Barton is with her.  
For the next days Phil is a mess. Between getting chewed out by Fury and coordinating a search for two of the best assassins in the world he tries his best not to think about how he may have to sign the kill order for the man he is in love with or even shoot him himself, but it still keeps him up in the few hours of sleep he can get.

On the fourth day his phone rings with a call from an unknown number. He nearly sighs in relief when he hears Barton's voice. Later he couldn't say how he managed to stay professional.

„Remember what you told me, when you recruited me? About second chances and how everyone deserved them?"

„Barton, where are you?"

„I know you are tracking this call. You don't have to buy time. She wants to come in, Coulson. She doesn't deserve to die."

„Listen, Barton -"

„I know I got my second chance and I know I don't deserve a third one, but she does - Shit, they found us. Get her out alive. Please."

Phil just hears a few gunshots, then the line goes silent.

It breaks his heart hearing that Clint doesn't think himself worthy of another chance, but what really convinces him is the last word. In the years they know each other and even gradually became friends, not even one time has the other man said please.

He gathers the team and phones Fury on the way to Hawkeye's last known location. Nick thinks him crazy, but trusts Phil's judgement as he always has.

When they arrive, they find a lot of dead men who wear the sign of the Red Room, a terrorist organisation the Widow was suspected to work for. Inside the building a woman with bright red hair is kneeling beside an unconscious Clint, pressing her hands on a bleeding wound on his side. Phil immediately recognizes her.

When he walks towards her, all weapons are trained on her. Still, he doubts they could intervene before she could kill him, but he trusts Clint.

The Black Widow looks up, looking incredibly calm.

„My name is Agent Coulson, Miss -"

„You know my name. He told me I could trust you. I would raise my hands, but he's bleeding out. He needs medical."

After the medics arrive and take Clint with them, she surrenders. Nobody doubts she could get out of there if she wanted, but for some reason she doesn't.

Clint barely makes it. On the way to the plane pack to headquarters he flatlines twice. Each time Phil feels like his own heart stopped beating too. He doesn't leave Clint's bedside until the archer wakes up 2 days later.

„Barton? Are you awake?"

„Coulson? Where – Is she okay?"

He tries to scramble out of the hospital bed, but Phil pushes him back. If the other man was in best form he wouldn't have a chance, but still weak from the injury, Clint falls back after a few seconds of struggling.

„She's undergoing her recruitment tests under surveillance of Agent Hill. No need to worry."

The panicked look in Clint's eyes turns soft at that. „You brought her in. I knew I could trust you."

A sudden warmth raises in Phil's chest at that, but he pushes it down.

„Of course. I'm your handler and I'd like to think that I'm also your friend."

Clint stares at him. „You think we are friends?"

The warmth immediately disappears and gets replaced by coldness. Of course Clint wouldn't want him as a friend. Who would? He was so stupid for saying this.

„I'm sorry Barton. Apparently I crossed a line. I'll leave you to sleep now."

He's nearly out of the door when he hears Clint saying „I didn't mean it that way, I just... I always thought you didn't much like me and... that last mission, I fucked up and I know and... " He stares at his hands.

Phil turns around and give him one of his very rare smiles, even if it's just a very very small one, barely a lift of the corner of his mouth.

„You can call me Phil, when we're not on duty."

The grin he gets in return is brighter than any he has seen on the archers face in the past years (including that time he shot unassuming junior agents with marshmallows from the air vents).

In the months after Budapest a lot changes. Natasha becomes a full agent in record time. She's still under surveillance, but after a short time Fury assigns her to Phil, thinking she would work well in a team with Barton.

As always he's right.

The two are amazing and get every mission done.

But it becomes clear, that missions aren't the only thing they're doing together. Nearly every night they spend in the other's quarters.

Phil isn't jealous. Well, okay, maybe a little bit. But he has never done more than engaging in daydreams about telling Barton how he feels and stuff like eating pizza together or just sleeping together (not in a sexual way, he always snaps himself out of it before he comes to that. He'd feel like a pervert otherwise.), but he never made a move, so he sure as hell has no right to feel angry or betrayed. The two are good together and they both deserve some good in their live.

His friendship with Clint gets closer and if friendship's all he's gonna get, he'll be happy about it. It's more than he had before and Clint is one of the most amazing man he's ever met and he can be glad to call him a friend.

Phil just wants Clint to be happy, even if it can't be with him.

When Phil is forty-four, the man he has loved for almost a decade gets taken by Loki. He gets the Black Widow to return and feels incredibly guilty for sending her to take out her lover, but nobody but her could take on Clint. It seems surreal, that his fear from back in Budapest years ago came true.

He can't imagine his life without the archer anymore and he doesn't want to.

Phil attacks Loki with an experimental weapon knowing he won't survive this. When the scepter pierces his chest and everything fades to black, he hopes he could at least buy the others enough time.

His first thought after waking up is that afterlife looks a lot like SHIELD medical. Fury arrives shortly after, telling him how he was extremely lucky to survive.

Three days later he wakes up to all the Avengers sitting in his room. All, but the one he wanted to see the most. He had hoped, that if he made it, Clint had too.

As if she can read his mind, the first thing Natasha says is "He's alive." Everything that's said afterwards kind of blurs. Nothing registers but the fact that Clint is alive.

Shortly after he falls asleep, dreaming of his favorite archer.

Two weeks later, he starts asking himself why Clint is the only Avenger who hasn't visited him yet. He asked Steve – Phil is still not entirely over the fact, that Captain America wants him to call him by his first name – but Clint isn't detained in the headquarters anymore.

When he tells Natasha as much, she seems confused and tells him, that Clint had indeed visited him. That he was there every day, as soon as SHIELD had let him out. She has to go shortly after, leaving Phil to wonder about that.

Thinking about it keeps him awake in the dark and he is staring at the ceiling, when he hears the vent cover clacking open and a dark shadow slips out of the opening silently, sitting down in one of the chairs.

Phil breaks the silence. "Clint? Is that you?"

The shadow jumps up in surprise and struggles up back into the vent - with just a "I'm sorry, Phil." he is gone – before Phil can even say something.

Clint doesn't come back. Not the next night and not any of the others.

When he asks Natasha about it again, she refuses to talk.

Six months later everything has normalized a bit. Well, as normal as Phil's life is ever going to get.

Fury has assigned him as the liaison to the Avengers and he managed to salvage his friendship to Clint. They aren't as close as they used to be, but to Phil it's better than nothing. They also didn't talk about the hospital. He has the distinct feeling, Clint would flee again if he asked and this time he might not be able to find him.

That's when he meets Kenneth. In a coffee shop. It's all terribly cliche.

He is getting his usual morning coffee, near the Avengers tower, when a handsome man in a well-tailored suit comes up to him, introduces himself as Kenneth, tells him he has seen him here before and asks him out. On a coffee.

At first Phil wants to decline, but then he decides against it. He hasn't had a date in years and this guy seems to be genuinely interested. It's just a date, nothing more.

The dates continue. First other coffee meetings, then dinner. It's nothing extraordinary. No love at first sight, but it's nice. He's still in love with Clint, but it's background noise now, it's always there, aching, but he knows it won't happen, not ever, would ruin their friendship and he ignores it, like he always did. It will go away eventually.

Half a year later, he moves in with Kenneth. He notices his partner is flirting with other people, men and women alike, but Phil tells himself, it's just harmless flirting. After all, it's Phil who he comes home to in the evening. He acts like nothing happened.

He thought about it. Kenneth can do way better than him. Phil knows that. But for him, this is as good as it's ever gonna get. He gets to have someone in his life. Someone to come home to. Someone to hold him in his sleep. If that means he has to share, well, then sharing it is.

Later that month they are invited to one of Tony Stark's charity events. Phil doesn't really have a choice, seeing as all the Avengers will be present and that's just trouble waiting to happen.

The first one he meets is Steve. They start talking and Kenneth excuses himself, to talk to an old acquaintance. Steve seems a bit irritated, that his partner leaves Phil alone, but he doesn't comment on it.

Soon, Tony and Pepper join them, both expressing their regret over not meeting Phil's boyfriend. They talk a bit, before Phil wanders off to find said boyfriend.

When he spots Kenneth at the bar and sits down next to him, it only takes a few seconds for Natasha and Clint to appear and greet him.

Natasha looks dashing in her long, black gown with her hair down, even if Phil is sure, she had diverse hidden weapons and even if she didn't she could probably kill with a cocktail cherry. And then there's Clint. He's wearing a grey suit with a black shirt and a purple tie.

It takes all of Phil's self-control to continue breathing and not to stare.

He introduces them to Kenneth and suddenly something changes. Outwards they both seem still friendly, but he has known them long enough to know most of their tells. Natasha seems ready to kill his partner with her bare hands and Clint seems to fight the urge to punch something – most likely Kenneth. He is wondering what has caused this, when Clint nods at Natasha and pulls Phil away into a small, empty room aside from all the guests.

He doesn't look at Phil, when he says: "Shit, Phil, I'm so sorry. I didn't knew he was your boyfriend - "

Phil feels his stomach churn. "What... What is it?" When he gets no answer, he adds a "Tell me!" that gets out louder and more desperate than he intended.

The archer is still looking at the floor. "I... He hit on me earlier... Tried to pick me up, wanted to take it directly to the bedroom. Fuck. I'm so sorry."

Phil stares at Clint. It's not so much that Kenneth is actually cheating at him – he already suspected that – what makes his heart shatter – and he feels horrible about that – is that Kenneth got to have Clint, got to have everything Phil ever wanted and never could have.

He croaks out: "Did you -" but can't finish the sentence.

Clint finally looks up. "No, no! I haven't slept with him! But, fuck, Phil, your boyfriend is cheating on you! And I'm so fucking sorry, that you had to find out that way."

Phil sighs in relief. Clint hasn't slept with Kenneth. But... Why hasn't he? Natasha's and the archer's romantic relationship seemed to have ended some time after the battle of New York, what had been holding him back?

"Why didn't you?"

Clint does a double-take at that. "Seriously? That's what you ask? Shouldn't you, I dunno, be out there and punch that guy in the face, before I do?"

He abruptly closes his mouth as if he didn't mean to say that, but Phil won't dwell on the reasons why Clint would want to punch Kenneth, no matter what that little traitorous voice in his head says. They are friends, and that's what friends do.

Phil sighs and sits down. "I knew. I mean, I suspected it. He wasn't exactly subtle about the whole thing. I just hoped he would keep it down today, knowing my friends and colleagues are here."

Clint stares at him. "You knew? You knew your boyfriend is sleeping around? Fuck, Phil, why the hell is he still your boyfriend?"

Phil huffs out a bitter laugh at that. "It's not like people are exactly lining up to date me. I'm a middle-aged paper pusher with a hairline that recedes more every day. What else am I gonna get?"

When he looks up again, he notices Clint's hands are clenched into fists.

"Don't say that. Don't fucking say that, okay? Cause it kills me. You're fucking perfect! You're smart, you're hot, you can kill a bad guy with nothing but a sheet of paper and you treat me, like I'm actually more than an ex-carnie with good aim. And I knew you are far too good for me and I made my peace with that and then this fucking asshole... He's got you... And he doesn't even know how lucky he is... It fucking kills me!"

Phil can't do anything but stare at him. He tries to talk, to wrap his mind around this, to get everything out in the open, he hid for years, but the only thing he manages is: "Oh."

Clint looks up, eyes wide and horrified, as if he only now noticed he said that all aloud. A whispered "Fuck..." later he is gone.

Phil wants to go after him, talk to him, but there is something he has to take care of first.

He walks back to the bar where Natasha is still waiting next to Kenneth, tells him calmly it's over, he will send someone to pick up his things.

He nods at Natasha. "I'll go looking for him." He glances in Kenneth's direction who still looks equally shocked and frightened by the widow. "Do what you want, but I'd rather you left him alone. Anything else would create a ton of paperwork."

When he's standing on the street in front of Avengers Tower he doubts himself for a moment. Maybe Clint hasn't returned here. But he doesn't know where else to look. The headquarters don't seem very likely. If the archer really isn't here he'll have to ask Natasha. When he enters the elevator, he's greeted by Jarvis.  
"Jarvis, can you tell me if Agent Barton has already returned to the tower?"

"Indeed, he has, Agent Coulson."  
"Where is he?"

After a short pause the AI answers from the ceiling "I'm sorry, Agent Coulson, but Master Barton doesn't wish me to divulge his whereabouts."

"Thanks, Jarvis."  
That's something. At least he knows now that he's in the right place.  
Phil presses the button for the top floor. Clint always tended to seek out the high places when something happened.

After stepping out into the penthouse he can see the silhouette of a person perching on the edge of the roof. Seems like he guessed right.

Phil walks out on the terrace and Clint's shoulders tense up, but he doesn't turn around.

"I figured you would come find me... Even if I kinda hoped you wouldn't..."

When Phil steps closer the archer starts fiddling with his hands."You don't have to worry, I can still do my job. I mean, that's why you're here, right?"

Before Phil can even think of what to say, Clint already continues.

"You didn't have to come here, you know? I know I'm out of line. I didn't even mean to tell you, like... not ever." His hands go still. "Can't we just, you know forget this ever happened and go back to normal?"

Stepping slowly closer to the other man, Phil answers "I don't think I can do that."

Clint's shoulders slump at that. "Okay, if that's what you want -"

Phil knows this is his chance to tell him everything. "You can't just expect me to let this go. I've been in love with you for years, Clint. I never thought it would be possible that you felt this way about me -"

The archer interrupts him, now finally looking at Phil. "I swear, if you're joking..." He stands up and moves until they're standing right in front of each other. Clint stares in Phil's eyes, trying to find out if he was speaking the truth.

After a few moments he whispers "You're really..." before he leans forward, closing the distance between them and touches his lips to Phil's.  
There are no fireworks, but it's kind of perfect anyways. Clint's lips are dry and slightly chapped and his hands are warm when they settle down on Phil's hips. When he pulls Clint closer with one hand on the other one's neck he can feel the archer smile against his lips.

When Clint breaks the contact he lets out a small whine before the archer whispers in his ear "Wanna take this downstairs?" Phil just nods and lets himself be tugged towards the elevator. They've waited long enough for this.

* * *

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Thanks to Missbanaena for being my beta


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